My 15 year old daughter hates my husband. We've been married almost 10 years. What do I do?

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Mar 13, 2018 11:48 AM

Jennifer Nyffeler

former (Retired) Early Childhood Educator of over 35 yrs.

40w ago

I think the most important thing right now is that your relationship and the communication with your daughter be strong. This way what ever is happening inside her head will much more likely come out.

So, you take time with her. Time doing things you both like. Not pushing her to talk about her feelings about your husband, but encouraging her that she can tell you anything. Anything at all! Then as your communication strengthens, she will feel much better about spilling the beans.

She needs to know that your commitment to her is strong and that you love her so much no matter how she feels.

However, I would also encourage you to set some boundaries. Have a private meeting with just you and her, and tell her that you want to work out whatever the problem is whenever she is ready to talk about it, because you will listen… but in the mean time you want your house to be emotionally safe and peaceful for everyone and not filled with tension… so, tell her that she is not to be speaking the way she has anymore. Then talk about consequences. Talk again about the tension that is created and so you have to set these boundaries with her because it is affecting the rest of the family which is not fair to them.

She needs to realize that she is not the only one in the house to consider. That her feelings are very important, but so is everyone else's. You love her and hope at some point that she will tell you whats in her heart and mind… and you will listen to whatever she has to say.

Madeleine Gallay

studied at Fashion Stories and Memories

40w ago

The first thing that comes to mind after reading your longer story is that your husband may have been inappropriate with your daughter and she is too ashamed, as all kids are, to tell you.

Hate is a mighty different word from yuck, grownups - a phase that would not be unexpected at some point.

I would let her know, out of the house and in your car where somehow conversation is easier, that you’d listen to anything she wants to say, that you will always trust and believe her. She may not share anything, but this thought may comfort her and open the door to a future discussion.

I’m sorry to be this blunt. This is not an uncommon occurrence with nubile girls living in the same house as a step-father or their mother’s boyfriend.

This is sadly common, and sometimes it’s inappropriate talk that humiliates a young girl, sometimes shaming the girl by asking about boys and what they may be doing, or worse, outright molestation.

This would, of course, not happen in front of you.

Your daughter must know, whether what I think is possible has happened or not, that she can always be safe with you above all else, above everyone else.

Your husband is an adult. He has the ability to manage his disappointment with your daughter. She does not. It is her happiness and comfort that matters, not your husband’s - he can get manage.

Kenric Kite

Dad and kid-wrangler

40w ago

I’m going to take a crack at this for two reasons: in my previous relationship I was the step-father of a tween through high school aged girl; and I have been blessed with two boys in my current marriage, so this issue is but a distant memory!

I don’t really have answers, but hope I can steer you to think about questions.

I would start by picking up a copy of ‘Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls’ by Mary Pipher, Ph.D. Read the pages about blended families. Ignore the dated references to the 1990s, and look at what it really says about how girls minds, feelings, relationships change as their bodies mature. There is a lot of information throughout the book that will enlighten both you and your husband (yes, he should read it too!) about the many issues girls and young women wrestle with.

You haven’t indicated in your question whether she had a loving daughter-type relationship with him when she was younger, how long she has hated him, nor what may be going on that would make her despise him now. Is her birth-father in her life? If so, does she compare the two? Has there been significant upset, life changes, or moves in your family in recent years?

Has his behavior changed with her over the years? Does she avoid being alone with him at any cost? Not to cast aspersions over him, but it would be good to rule out any inappropriate behavior.

I would certainly not blame your daughter in any way. Her resentment may be borne out of something very real, that either she can’t articulate or won’t discuss with you. It may be something she is simply processing right now, and when she is 18 or 19, she will snap out of it. But I do think family counseling is in order. If you can afford it, or if his or your workplace has a program that offers free counseling, I encourage you all to take advantage of it.

Post script: The girl in the above relationship went from being an eleven-year-old who was totally infatuated with her new step-dad to being a total terror at 13–15, then got the better of her own hormones and turned back into a princess. She is now a full-fledged adult, and I am proud to have weathered the storm with her and witnessed her growing up. It got better, and hopefully will for you too.

Sarah Bowman

studied family dynamics formally and informally all my life

40w ago

You don’t mention that she hated him when she was younger so I assume this is a recent issue. Children that age tend to be rebellious and to not get along with their parents. Excuses vary. What you should do is be supportive of her as a person, not as a rebel against her stepfather. Having once been a fifteen-year-old girl yourself you can sympathize with her mixed feelings, I’m sure. Find things in her personality you can honestly support. Ignore what can be safely ignored. Outbursts may not always need a response if nobody is getting hurt. As a mature adult, your husband may have to grin and bear some verbal abuse while the stage passes. Both of you can be there for her when she is feeling down or needy. There will be those days. At the same time, be supportive of your husband. I hope the two of you have a good wholesome marriage; that will make this easier as you can share the stress of a rebellious teenager in the house as well as the responsibility of guiding her through this confusing time of her life when hormones are raging and making her act up in ways she does not understand.

Sally High, LMHC

I specialize in working with teenagers and have in many settings. I love it.

39w ago

I would say leave it alone. Don't try to force a relationship. Check to see why you want one so badly between the two. Is it because of your anxiety that you want them to connect. Leave all things alone and the doing gets done.[1]

Footnotes

Jessica Lynn

was a teenager, degree in secondary education

39w ago

Given how young she was when you married him, I can’t help but feel she has a reason. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a reason you view as a “good” one, but that doesn’t change how she feels.

I would suggest you talk to her about it. You should do this on neutral ground, away from your home. I’d also do this without your husband. The two of you should have a “mother/daughter” night or weekend, and at some point when things are calm and going well, you can broach the subject.

Another option is to pursue family therapy, and really give her a chance to speak. A qualified family therapist will make it clear to your daughter that her feelings matter, and will help to make her feel safe in discussing the issues. But again, at least at first, I’d say it should be just the two of you. Eventually, depending on what is happening with the therapy, the therapist may decide your husband should also be present, but at the beginning your daughter is probably more likely to be up front with him not present.

Samantha Morin

Psychotherapist, Counselor, Life Coach

40w ago

First of all, adolescent girls are very often nasty to their fathers, whether biological or step dads, and it probably is related to their new sexual awareness. She obviously feels very uncomfortable around him and would prefer he wasn’t even there.

And, as someone else has suggested, maybe his behavior toward her was (or felt) inappropriate.

Whatever the reason, she is clearly unhappy in his presence, and her feelings deserve to be respected. I would ask her about it, why she hates him, whether he has done anything that offended her. Maybe she will tell you why she feels the way she does, but she may not even know why she feels the way she does.

She’s old enough now to have figured out what happened between the two of you when she was 4, and she may figure that you had an affair and was cheating on her father. She could hate her step-dad for that, and blame him for the affair and for the divorce.

Whatever the reason, she is not required to like him or to obey him. She doesn’t owe him anything. She has you and she has her dad, and your husband is the intruder in your family. If I were you I’d stay out of it, don’t try to push the relationship. In three years she’ll leave for college and life at home will be easier.

If there’s no real reason for her attitude, it will disappear when she outgrows this very difficult stretch of life. Being a teen-aged girl is plenty difficult. Just be there for her.

Jon Bradfield

studied Speech and Communication & Sociology at Portland State University (1996)

40w ago

This is why most women shouldn’t marry someone until their children reach the age of majority and leave the house.

You brought these children into the world and owe them your undivided attention and affection until they move out. If you can’t do that, it is time for them to be emancipated and leave the house. It is unfair to both parties to force them to live together. You made your bed, and it is up to you to lie in it. If you emancipate her, she’ll discover just how cold and cruel the real world is.

The decision is ultimately yours.

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