How do I stop being so clingy and emotionally dependent on my partner?

quora.com

Mar 13, 2018 7:27 AM

Swathi Annamalai

I can probably tell you more about you than you can about yourself .....

43w ago

It’s only you who can control your emotions and thoughts. Yes, it’s always easy to dump all of your worries and issues on a partner, it’s only natural because we develop a sense of dependability on our partner. But what we need to realize is, ultimately we need to learn to depend on ourselves and ourselves alone in order to solve our problems and issue in life.

People like your partner will be there with you to care for you and advise you through your problems, but only to a certain extent. You cannot expect your mother or your partner to solve all of your life’s issues for you. It is only you who has to work on your issues, try to find solutions and develop strength to deal with your life’s problems. Depending too much on someone is not good in two ways:

a. They can get really fed up of taking care of you all the time, as everyone have their share of issues in life and they need to deal with their own misery. They would start to loose interest in hearing you out and helping you solve your issues. The other person will most certainly feel at some point that their emotions are just being taken for granted - put yourself in their shoes, I bet you would feel the same.

b. Relying too much on someone is not safe, you never know if they really care for you and want to help you solve your problems, most of them are just interested in telling stories to their friends and you do not want to become their story.

If you feel your mental illness is destroying the relationship, you need to take a break. You need to not spend too much time with your partner and spend time away from them. You need your own space to take time to analyze your problems, as said earlier - only you can solve your life’s problems. Friends and family are all third persons who will never know what you are really going through - only you know. And you have to do what it takes to help you move away from depression and other negativity which is pulling you down in life. If it is your job, change it; if it is your friends - make new friends; if it is your environment - move to a new place; if it is your relationship - take a break. There are so many things you can do to divert your mind and engage yourself in activities which bring about happiness and content.

The most important thing which will keep you going is the “strength” to move on and build a good life for yourself. People often say, I’m not as strong as you think I am or that I am very weak and depressed. But you never realize your true strength and courage until you are put through the testing situations in life. And now life has given you the chance to prove yourself wrong and discover your inner courage to pick yourself up and build a new you.

Being sure of yourself, being independent and emotionally strong will automatically make you a different person from who you used to be. It will not happen overnight and certainly requires a LOT of conscious efforts to achieving this… and you will just improve in becoming more sure and more strong with time. There will be lots of testing times in life - but life will keep moving and time will never stop for anyone. You have to move along in life and with time… find what makes you happy and cannot sit out to please others.

Michael Chaplan

College English Teacher at Nihon University, School of Law (1975-present)

43w ago

I’m not sure if you are clingy because of your mental illness, because it is your personality, or because you feel guilty because of your mental illness.

I am not your counselor. Please ask your councelor if it is your mental illness!

If your counselor says it is not your mental illness, then you can control it. I would guess you are clingy because you have no confidence in yourself.

To get confidence, consider that you do have a partner. You are not all alone in the world. Somebody cares about you. If this person is your partner, he has responsibility to make sure you are OK. Your responsibility is to make sure that he continues to want to be your partner. You may not be comfortable that he has his own life, but if you prevent him from having his own life, he will be gone…. and it will be your fault.

Viktor Andersen

Decades of experience being a human.

43w ago

Don’t expect your partner to do anything to help you if he can’t see that it is in his own best interest. You can’t expect anyone to do anything if they can’t see that it is in their best interest - someone should not be an exception just because he is your partner.

If you see this, you will probably also realize that you can’t depend on him. You will realize that you can’t depend on anyone more than yourself. No matter how problematic your situation may seem, this will not change. Your only option is to develop yourself, no matter what you think, but this will also have the consequence of having more reliable connections to other people.

It is important to note that because you can’t rely on anyone more than yourself, you can’t even rely on your counselor more than yourself. If you don’t believe in yourself, then you can definitely not believe in your counselor. This is though not an excuse for ignoring your counselor’s advise, because that would be hypocritical.

The key is to understand yourself and how you work. As you figure this out, you will discover patterns in how everybody behaves, which will make you see things more clearly and make you able to lead yourself and everybody around you in a good direction. If you try to help others but neglect yourself, then you will fail, because you will do just as much bad as good, because you won’t be able to see clearly.

The quicker you realize this, the quicker you will improve yourself and the quicker you will have better relationships. There is no need to stress over this though. You can’t avoid developing yourself. I am excited for your improvement as time goes on, just think about how good compared to now you might be in the future!

George Streeter

Relationship Mentor and Coach

42w ago

You start by owning your emotions and learn to rely on the professionals you hire to help you. Together you and your teachers can help you set up protocols for getting through any manic or depressive episodes. You will need to let your love discipline your behaviors, instead of relying on the love of others to forgive your behaviors.

Start by taking responsibility and making amends to the people in your life whom you have used as your own emotional toilet.

Rolf Eilert Johansen

unenployed temporary

43w ago

What are you doing to fix with your personal disturbance?

Every person has a limit and you seem to drive him away. I have a rule of “having a relationship with those in the process of helping themselves” , else I may not have the energy to continue and will normally have to leave for selfpreserving.

Else I separate person and disorder. You are not your disorder. Your partner must be learning the art of sound boundary-setting, and this can be learned with some effort, and also what you have started. Boundaries and respect will be the factors saving your relationship.

A positive note is that you are aware of your condition and want to do progress, not many are, it is an indication your “narcissist component” are low (good for rs)

you are possible in a codependent relationship?, or feel the relationship is engulfing your person? Maybe you reject/attract your partner like keeping him on a border? =(exhausting). Do you add warmth and cold in your relation to create tension? Start reading if you haven’t done yet.

else this is a huge field, with much hard work. If you do your part, you deserve to experience a loving relationship like anybody else. Hard life, but the reward is awaiting.

Sometimes “love” may result in leaving the person alone so that person learns to improve.

Alison Whiteman

English Major, undergraduate degree

43w ago

I am glad to read you are in counseling. Hopefully the counselor is suggesting you find ways to cope with anxiety or depression and to have a life that is entirely your own. I have made the error of looking for someone to fill the gap left by childhood abandonment issues. This leaves one open to dysfunctional partners and relationships. Stay in counseling and keep addressing issues that are your issues. It will get better.

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