Fantasy Relationship

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Debbie Vasen
By 
fantasy relationshipSOURCE
Do you have a fantasy relationship? It may be hurting your chances at finding real love. Check out this advice from LoveToKnow's dating coach.

Reality or Fantasy Relationships

Reader Question

I am 25 years old and just finished graduate school. I have been dating a girl for almost a year and we are pretty serious. I care about her and we spend a lot of time together. The only problem is, I am and have been in love with another girl for over 3 years. The girl and I are pretty good friends and I have been in love with her since the moment I met her. My love for this other girl has kept me up at night for a few years and I think about her all the time. I am finding myself unhappy in my current relationship, but I do not think the other girl in the picture has any interest in me. Further, my love for this other girl eventually ended up being the reason I broke it off with my previous girlfriend - I found myself not as attracted to her, became more negative in the relationship, and lost interest. Basically, I am not sure if it is worth giving up someone who is smart, attractive, works well with my family, and cares about me, for the unknown. It is obviously a lot more complicated than I have stated it here, but this is the first time I have even mentioned it to someone else, so I wanted to get advice as to when/if I should break up with my current girlfriend and/or if I should tell the other girl how I feel. I am just worried that I might lose everything if I do that. I am, however, willing to risk it. -- Contributed by: Jason

Expert Reply

Dear Jason,
It seems to me you've been playing the love game from the sidelines for the last three years. In order to experience the deep romantic love that movies and poetry are made of, you're going to need to get off the bench and into the game. Whether that's with your current girlfriend or the 'other' girl doesn't matter. What matters is that you find out what you're missing. You've been holding a part of yourself back from every relationship you've been in. You say that there is a girl you've been in love with since you met her. Yet, you chose to play it safe and become her friend, rather than go for it and see where love might take you.
Are you afraid of being rejected? If the answer were yes, then it would explain why you continue to find yourself in relationships in which you reject the girl before she can reject you. This includes the 'other' girl you've been in love with for the last three years. The only difference here is that she holds the cards. It would be easier for her to reject you as a possible boyfriend and harder for her to reject you as a good guy friend. For your part, you've created this fantasy about her and what it would be like to be in a relationship with her. Then to make matters worse, you've compared every other relationship to your fantasy. This has not been fair to the women nor to you.
Decide which relationship you're going for and jump in with both feet! Love is one of those areas of romance you can't truly experience from the sideline. To really understand what you're missing, you're going to need to be vulnerable and risk the giving of your whole heart. You can start by letting go of the fantasy relationship you've been dreaming about. This means you either end your current relationship so that you are free to let the 'other' woman know how you feel about her or let go of the fantasy woman so that you can focus on your current girlfriend. The choice is yours and there is no wrong choice. If you choose to pursue the fantasy relationship to see where it might lead, you may find that the 'real' girl does not live up to your fantasy and the relationship ends. On the other hand, by pursuing the 'other 'girl you may find that the fantasy and the reality are one and the same. Should you decide to let go of your fantasy girl and pursue the woman you are currently in a relationship with, you might just find by having let go of the fantasy you have freed yourself to love at a deeper and more meaningful way.

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