My girlfriend asked me during a fight what I find unattractive about her. I gave her an honest answer. Now she's angry at me. Did I do anything wrong?

quora.com

Feb 23, 2018 11:24 AM

Jay Larson

B.A. Psychology & The Arts, University of Iowa (1994)

1w ago

Are you insane? That is a question that can never be answered honestly to a woman, especially during a fight. If you ever expect to be in a relationship for more than 5 minutes, you need to know the rules on communicating with women:

1. NEVER, EVER -even if the baby’s head is popping out her crotch - ask a woman if she is pregnant. EVER. THERE IS NO EXCEPTION TO THIS RULE.
2. Questions about her looks, attractiveness to you, her weight, her beauty in relation to other women, or any other physical, mental or emotional characteristic MUST ALWAYS BE ANSWERED IN HER FAVOR regardless of the truth.
3. Accept the fact that you will never say the right thing during an argument and concede the argument. She must win all arguments.
4. If in doubt, just keep your mouth shut and nod.

Paul Reynolds

was nearly married, still learning from the experience

1w ago

During a fight, your only goal should be resolving the immediate problem. Don’t let anything get in the way of that, and definitely do not add fuel to the fire by bringing up additional problems.

If your partner starts opening up extra channels of conflict during an argument, don’t take the bait. Insist on sticking to the issue at hand. If the two of you cannot do that, you should consider learning conflict resolution techniques together as a couple; read a book or take a class on the topic, or go to counseling.

You need to be able to work together as partners. You two are not enemies, you are teammates fighting against whatever problem has come between you. You both lose as a couple if either of you tries to “win” the fight as one against the other.

It was a bad move for her to ask that question under those circumstances. But it was just as bad a move for you to answer it.

Kurt Hyllested Sr

former Police Officer (1985-2014)

1w ago

Yes. You answered a serious question that could have serious consequences during a fight, which means she was not in a condition to take criticism well. I suspect you did not deliver it in the kindest and most compassionate manner, either. Good luck, dude. You stepped in a big, sticky mess.

Tauris Shingler

1w ago

Are you crazy? NEVER be honest with a woman. Especially during a fight. It won’t end well for you. You must be a young man, because older men know this rule.

So I’m going to tell you how to get out from under the rock you put yourself under.

1. Apologize and admit you were wrong, even if you weren’t.
2. Tell her how beautiful you think she is and how no one can compare to her.
3. Buy her something pretty. A necklace is nice, but if you can’t afford that, then some really nice flowers.
4. Take her to dinner. Or even better, cook a REALLY nice meal. This will espcially go a long way if your not one to cook or do the cooking around the house.
5. Run her a bath, and give her a full body massage when she gets out.
6. ***Optional*** If and only if, you can get her into to bed, go down on her and eat her out. Eat her out till your jaw starts to hurt, and then keep going. ALL the attention should be on her that night.

If you do all of these things and do them right, you WILL be out of the dog house.

I guarantee.

Ken Das

1w ago

Lol! So nobody was around to tell you that the question she posed to you was a trap!

Here's the thing about arguments:

Nobody is thinking rationally during a fight. Heck, if you're not even arguing, it's a bad idea to tell someone honestly what you find unattractive about them. Trust me, there's no right way of doing that with most people especially your spouse or partner. And women will usually not take any criticism from their partners with any kind of positivity.

Now that you've dug a hole for yourself, avoid the path of truth. Learn from your mistakes. Honesty is a great virtue but most relationships are built on selective honesty. So you can be honest and loyal to your partner but don't tell your husband that he has a small penis. It might be the truth but it's going to destroy him. Similarly, don't comment on your wife's weight gain even if you think you're trying to encourage her to be healthy. Most topics like these go deeper than what you really want them to go.

So at the moment, think of how you can save face. Try to clear up your mess by telling her that it's not that you find it unattractive but rather slightly annoying but it isn't something that keeps you up at night. While you say this make sure you take a dump all over yourself and tell her how you're aware there are a lot of things you do that she tolerates and how grateful you are that she's so understanding and awesome. That's the only way you can win with your spouse or partner. If I had known this long time ago I wouldn't have a messy marriage.

And if your issues with her really bother you, leave the relationship.

LUCIE LEE

Serial Entrepreneur, Relationship Consultant, Wellness Coach

1w ago

Honesty is a double-edged sword. Sometimes, if honesty is used correctly, reasonably, and timely at a preferable scenario, it saves things, esp. in relationship, from getting bad, alleviates tensions, and betters the emotional connections between the two.

If not used properly, then honesty kills all the good and brings out the caged pessimism and negative emotions in them. I assume that could the very reason why she got so upset when you were just telling the truth.

Cheers,

Lucie

Verona Metaxas

SAP PI Consultant

1w ago

Generally if a person asks something like that during a fight, the person feels insecure and needs just a little confirmation that just because ‘we’ are fighting, doesn’t mean ‘I’ hate you now. Strangely this very thing happened to me and the one asking the question was a man - shock and horror..

So yes - this is a sign of insecurity. I agree with Mr Hyllested that the timing is not great for a heart to heart about faults. If something about your partner bothers you, it is best to discuss it when both parties are emotionally stable. That means, not during a fight..unless you like the cold shoulder, of course.

Chris Harget

Minding minds like some miners mine

1w ago

Yep. You gave in to her insecurity. No good can come of this.

1. People in the middle of fights are rarely in a positive enough state of mind to receive even constructive criticism.
2. “What you find unattractive” about her probably isn’t something she can do anything about. If she can’t do anything about it, your “honest answer,” is not constructive. It just likely makes her feel worse about herself.
3. If, on whole, you are attracted to her, never let her put words in your mouth to the contrary. Reinforce the good you see when you see her.